so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Of course I have a pirate flag
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
