It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
