Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Randomize
