hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
a search helicopter?!
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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