i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
