think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
