next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize