Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Randomize
