Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
