He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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