I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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