umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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