Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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