my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
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