yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
