At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
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