True but thats because hes a fetus.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
