I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
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