yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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