The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize