Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
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