what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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