Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
you would pick up someone in the library
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
