woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
