I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
