Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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