I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
