I want to make a zoo with you.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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