Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
