Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
They have beer where we have blood.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
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