I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
