he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
