I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
