My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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