Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
