Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
