I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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