Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
