im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
