just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Randomize
