I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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