I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
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