i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
