I puked a lego.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Randomize
