Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Houston, we have a squirter
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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