and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
