Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize