he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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