Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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