Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
