3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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