So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
this hospital has no fireball
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
