And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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