Just fell off a train. Bad.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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