I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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