Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
