Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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