Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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