I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
