Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
