He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize